Life according to me…

Can you believe it? Steve worked open to close today, which meant he was gone from 10AM until 1AM. Which also meant that I would be alone with the children the entire time they were awake today. In addition, our Christmas tree was still up when I had wanted to take it down all week, the house was in disarray because of that and because of Steve and I not being home yesterday…it all could have been a disaster.

But it wasn’t! I managed to take the tree down, move the baby toys to where I wanted them, vacuum, and mom came and gave me a hand so I could shower and she kindly did the dishes for me (thank you mom). I kept up with the clutter and I also kept my cool. Elisa was a very good girl today, she helped me out a BUNCH, and then tonight, SHE CLEANED HER ROOM ALL BY HERSELF WITHOUT ME BEING IN THERE WITH HER! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!! For those of you who aren’t aware, Elisa normally won’t clean her room without someone sitting in there with her or helping her. She will clean if you get in there and help or watch her, and it takes you telling her where everything goes and to pick it all up before she will do it. Not tonight! We got home from visiting mom and I told her to pick up her toys before her bath, and she marched right in there and did it! And quick too! I was so proud of her!

So now I sit here waiting for Sarah to go to sleep. It took me until 20 mins ago to put Stephen to bed, and when he finally went down Sarah woke back up. I don’t think she ate enough today. I am tired, yes, and mentally exhausted, yes, but not in a terrible mood as I normally am when the kids just won’t go to bed at night and I am longing for my alone time. I am more stable today than I have been in quite a long time. It doesn’t take away the feeling of wanting to be alone or go to bed, but it makes the feeling much more manageable. It’s hard to explain. My back hurts, I think I pulled a muscle in it trying to get the tree down and put away in a hurry while the kids were quiet…but even that doesn’t have me in a terrible mood. Maybe life really is manageable when you turn to the Son. Hmm…imagine that.

Speaking of, my house is not perfectly clean with every single thing in it’s place, and guess what, THAT ISN’T STRESSING ME OUT EITHER. I know it will all get done eventually, and that if it doesn’t, it is not a reflection on how I am as a wife or stay-at-home mom. I can still do a good job even if there is a load of laundry in the dryer, even if all the hampers are full when I just put all the clean clothes away 2 days ago. It’s just not a big deal. YA HEAR THAT??? IT’S JUST NOT A BIG DEAL!!!!!!!!

Go me. I can be proud of myself even before anyone else is because I know that I am healing, I am getting better. Though the road may be long, I am traveling down it towards my goal and that is all that matters.

Go me. Go God. Go God IN me.

I think I know what it feels like to be drawn and quartered. To be pulled in many different directions at the same time. That is what Christmas felt like this year. It was nice to get to see all of my family for the holidays, but the hustle and bustle of entertaining and gathering all of the necessary supplies to go visiting and then getting gifts and wrapping them mixed in with seeing each and every member of both mine and S’s family just gets to be too much. I am glad the holiday is over and I am ready for a new year and a fresh start.

A fresh start…no more doing more for others than I do for myself. Time for more focus on God and reading the bible, and more actually DOING it rather than just saying I want to. No more feeling like I need to have people around me all the time in order to feel full or sufficient, and then sacrificing whatever needs I have just to take care of those people. Time to take advantage of those few quiet moments when the kids are all asleep or when I have just gotten out of the shower for some “me” time with my Lord.

In the new year, I want to eat right and exercise and lose weight just like every other person alive. But in addition to that, I want to live a more stress-free life. This year has had many ups and downs for my family, and I refuse to believe that life is just a bunch of stresses that you have to work through. God came for us to have abundant life, not just to have life. I cling to the fact that if I trust Him, lean on Him, and start living like a believer and reading and praying and acting like I am supposed to, that my life with be rich, abundant, and worth living again. No mental condition can take away the love I have for my Savior or the feeling I get when I am able to come alone and be with Him. And I will not stray away from that anymore, nor will I accept that life is just a stressful hassle that you just deal with until it’s all over. I want to live my life to the fullest starting with being closer to my God, my family, my friends.

So, with the new year out goes the junk food, junk words, junk thoughts…in comes healthy eating, thinking, living. Time to start going to church because we want to, getting involved with other married couples so we can enrich our lives even more, its time for the garbage to get out of my life and the riches to fill it back up. I was there once before, even though personal turmoil, I can get back there again. How is all of that for some New Year’s resolutions.

Sarah waved at her Nana yesterday! Deliberately! Nana said ‘Hi Sarah’, and waved, and Sarah smiled and waved back! A few times! Oh, they grow so fast…

So yes, it is Christmas Eve. I have already survived two separate Christmas social gatherings in my family already and have 3 more social events I have to attend before it is all over. I was supposed to have my mom and brothers over for Christmas Eve dinner today, but I chickened out. I am in this funk today and not able to just get up and get my house all cleaned up and presentable and smelling good in addition to taking care of the kids and finishing wrapping presents all in enough time to cook the food and set up the meal and make sure everyone is happy. It is just too much for me and I admitted defeat so we are going to Alex’s house.

I have never dreaded Christmas like I do this year. This year has been such an overwhelmingly emotional one that it would be nice if the year would just end so we can all put everything behind us. Ya know?

So, I started the medicine and it evened me out. Then, it was a question of, why am I getting OFF of the medicine if it actually works? Well, I went back and read some e-mails I had written to my doctor/stepmom about the symptoms I was having and how I wanted to try something else because the E was no longer working, so I made a note of that and I am still going to wean it off in the next 4 weeks unless a psychologist tells me otherwise.

We were supposed to go to counseling today but Steve had to go to the doctor - he may have a highly contagious skin infection and he had to get that checked out. The money issue with counseling is really bugging me. I really trust and like the guy that we have chosen, but it is going to cost us quite a bit. I just don’t feel like explaining everything to yet another stranger after as many times as I have had to explain it. I was very comfortable with G and want to continue to go see him even if it costs us. I know we can afford it, God ALWAYS provides for us.

Well, the week of Christmas is approaching and I will be unable to post day to day, but I hope to post some while we go through the holidays and the babies’ First Christmas. I’m out…

Ah, what a feeling!

After a major ordeal today with the grocery store, I finally got some relief tonight. I got to take 75 mgs of E and some benadryl for dizzies and get back on track. My husband was an angel today, he got up from his own nap to help me and let me sleep a good two hours this afternoon while I shook off the disgust. And I was able to somewhat after my nap, even with my reality-driven dreams. I felt good this afternoon, and then my dad arrived with the medicine to taper me off and now I feel even better - almost feel even-keel. Is that possible that one pill can make you feel that much better? Yes. I checked it out. How terrible that this medicine can do that to people after just ONE pill. It needs to be taken off the market. I need to file my FDA complaint tomorrow.

During my period of thinking with a clear mind, I realized that I need to heal on my own and stop relying on other people so much. I was reminded that I am still a strong person, that God does not give us more than we can handle, and that I can get through this just as Jesus got through being crucified and just as I have gotten through every other bump in the road of my life. I also realized that my priority list of who I turn to for help and when is out of whack. I turn to Steve first, and that’s not right - and I admit, sometimes I even turn to others before Steve and THATS not right either. I need to turn to GOD first and then Steve and work down my list from there. This feeling of clear thinking is as refreshing as the ocean is on a very hot day, or as refreshing as a glass of water after you have just worked out….I wish there were better explanations to how refreshing and relieving this feels. It’s like I had to pee for a WEEK and just finally got to go!

Let’s hope this period of weaning off allows me to function normally. All the research I have done says it will. I pray it at least gives me the clarity to be able to pray my way through an entire prayer again. I KNOW being able to do THAT will help me through this. Yay for the glass of water after this TERRIBLE workout this past 10 days. Thank GOD for this terrible medicine. What a paradox.