Life according to me…

Well, there you have it! Supervision has been ended for little Elijah. He can now be with his mommy without someone babysitting them. What a load off of all of our shoulders. It was a good way to gain a bit of closure on the subject…I went to Court with mom and stood by her side as the Judge granted the supervision be lifted. We hugged and cried. It was a moment. The past 6 months have been such a long, tedious trial for everyone in my family. We have gone from anger, solitude, lonliness, and overwhelming responsibility to understanding, forgiveness and reconciliation. It truly has been a journey and I was very happy to see it come to a sort of end that day.

That night we had mom and Elijah over for dinner. We had a toast of champagne for the grown-ups and apple juice for the kiddos. We cheered their freedom and the end of this whole ordeal. Now we can each continue on our road to healing. The kids behaved very well that night and did not fight like they usually do each time they are together. It was a refreshing time together and it was even more special to be able to send them on their way as soon as they wanted to go home and not force them to wait for Tony to come home. The end of Wednesday brought me an overwhelming feeling of peace.

Things may never be the same for my family after all we went through these past months. From being forced to be together through storms even after our own personal storms were still brewing, to going from 3 to 4 children for a few months…we have each perservered through everything that has been thrown at us and we are all stronger because of it. Sure, nobody should have to go through what we all just went though, and it was immense and hard and overwhelming. But, it’s over and we can look at it as a learning experience now. The power of forgiveness is something VERY strong. I am proud to experience this power in my life every day now instead of the power of hurt, despair, anger and resentment. Life is easier to live when you forgive. Let freedom ring!

Friday was the nicest day. I called Lauren, whom I hadn’t seen for a while for whatever reason, and took the kids over to her house for the day. She is over in a not-so-populated area of South East Orlando near St. Cloud and her home is just wonderful. She lives next to a stable, so there is this sweet horse that comes over to their front yard and visits. She has nice trees and a huge front yard. They also have two toddler swings tied to a big tree out front, and some bats and a t-ball set and footballs/basketballs. The perfect place to run the energy out of high-spirited Elisa. The home is wooden and just big enough for them. It is very cozy and I loved being there. There is a nice lake within walking distance too and the sun sets right above it - I could see the orange glow from her house. The kids all played nicely and we had the best time visiting. We decided we would take at least one day a week and visit - and once it gets warmer we will bring the kids over here some too so they can swim and play on the playground. We haven’t seen each other much lately because her and I have big family comittments during the holidays and also because I have been a depressed mess lately and not wanted to call anyone. I am getting over it, I promise.

It was nice to be around another mommy my age who I am so close to. I miss being around mommies - I don’t do it that often. And I didn’t realize how much I had missed Lauren until I saw her again.

Saturday I ran around and did errands, not much to report there…

Today was more errands and a few minutes alone while the kids and Steve were visiting family. Even though it was only a short time, being home alone gave me the chance to refresh. I felt different when they all got home and I think it was noticable. Now if we could just balance in the chance to go to church, things would really start to look abundant and fresh in our lives. I want to go, but the work is so tough getting everyone ready. Sometimes Sunday is our only day where we don’t have to go anywhere. We are continuously tweaking our schedule so that we are able to do all of the things we desire to do which includes going to church. Steve is going to try working during the day Saturday and seeing if we can’t get up and go if he didn’t close the night before. I guess we will see how it goes…

I am learning more and more how refreshing it feels to be by myself sometimes. I haven’t taken moments like I am taking recently and it feels good. Sometimes I do long for company, mostly because I don’t have anyone to talk to over the age of 4 for hours at a time, sometimes all day and most of the night on days Steve has to double, but I am finding the courage to start calling different people up and also gather the motivation to pack the kids and go places. I can’t expect people to show up all the time. And once we do get away, I feel so much better. I hope to continue to try to understand and balance alone time with family time, quality time with friends and time with my husband. We will see how it goes!!

My mind is racing right now. All day long I have had so many things I have wanted to write about, and now I can’t get them narrowed down. Let me try.

Today was a long, exhausting day with the children. They were not terrible, just intense. My children are my world and they mean so much to me. I am so blessed to have them and honored to be their mother. But boy, they put me through the ringer today.

Thank you, KSB. I have to say this. I have really had a tough time with not having very much adult interaction lately, and our visit and finally being able to talk tonight REALLY, REALLY, REALLY helped me. Just getting to converse with a friend meant the world to me. I appreciate you as a fellow sister in Christ and as “my one true friend”. You have been there for more than almost anyone, and you are still around even after all of it, and that means more to me than I can say. I love you very, very much and I wish we still lived within walking distance from each other.

So yeah, it’s becoming apparent that I am not just crazy and that it is, in fact, intense when you are with the kids all day and night long-day in and day out. Steve and I are working on scheduling regular breaks and him having more time with the children alone which would benefit everyone involved tremendously.

You know what I have learned today? Sometimes achieving that abundant life we all want takes a lot of processes, a lot of “working through things”, a lot of time, energy, patience, tears, laughter and patience. But I still think in the end it will all be worth it. Getting to watch my children grow up first hand will be worth it, even if I am home 3 days in a row with no free time or fun time and rare adult conversation. Being married is the best joy in the world and totally worth it, even if you feel like all you ever do is have issues to discuss and work out. Seeking after God is something that is not habitual for any of us, but it is the most rewarding and peaceful experience once you truly find Him. It’s way beyond worth it and that’s why us crazy Christians do it all the time. I think we all strive for a full and happy life and then complain because it’s so hard. Sometimes we have to come to a point where we realize it’s going to be work, no matter what path we choose, and accept that. I think I am there right now. If I worked outside of the home, I would stress about not being with the kids enough or the chores or things like that. If I wasn’t married…I would stress about everything because my husband is what holds me down most of the time. I can’t even imagine how I would be if I wasn’t a Christian…it’s all hard work, it’s just a matter of how you look upon the work you are doing. I am completely content with the work I have to do, no matter how hard. (Yes, I may forget that sometimes…we all do.)

Life is worth living to the fullest, even if it’s hard work. It’s in the hard work that we find the most rewards, isn’t it?

Well, it has been a week. This week has been crazy, had some medicinal issues, Steve has had to work a bunch, had doctor visits…sick child, etc. etc…

I still hate the fact that my well being and mental health depends on a pill. I just need to accept that God made me this way and it’s for a reason and He doesn’t make mistakes. I just reminded myself. That should help. And filling up my pill case so I can remember if I took my medicine on a certain day ought to help as well. I was taking the pills right from the package which is terrible because I have no short term memory and then couldn’t remember what day I had taken them and what day I had forgotten. Ah, drugs, gotta love ‘em.

A lot of people tell me rather regularly that they “don’t know how I do it”. Well, at many times, I don’t know how I am doing it too, but I thought I would write down what helps me to “do it”. Being a mom of twins is hard work, of course, but it’s not impossible. I have many outlets for help and support. I have the grace of God, which gets me going every single day, even when I can’t get going myself. I have an ultra-supportive husband who trys his best to help whenever he can and be as supportive and loving as possible. I also have a strong family who pitches in when they can. Aside from that, I must say (I know, this goes on another blog), I have the most well-behaved, talented, smart, self-contained, spirited children one could possibly have. They also happen to be beautiful which is proof in itself that there is a God, because no man or woman could create something as beautiful as my children. I have had plenty of compliments on the adorableness of my babies and I can only add it up to being by God’s sweet mercy and blessing that they are who they are. I just hope to raise them right and be a good mother.

Ok, enough about my children, you can get a full dose of that on their blog.

So sometimes, I don’t know how I do it either. I accept that I have a hard job, I work too many hours, I am underpaid and have no signs of a promotion anytime soon. But, I also think I have the most comfortable, flexible, challenging but at the same time rewarding job anyone could have. Yall are all jealous, I know. Hehehehehe…..My job is best because I don’t have to deal with other personalities or conflicts besides my children, and they are a bit of me so they aren’t that conflicting. Sure, it’s hard to be a stay-at-home mom of three kids, especially when I always pictured myself as a career mom. But it’s not impossible. I can do it, again, by the grace of God. Where would I be without that? I don’t know HOW I WOULD DO IT.

I was very fortunate to have a tight-knit group of friends while I was in college. Many of them liked to debate, all were very ground in their faith, and we all held each other accountable for our actions and were there for each other through good and bad. They were all wise and taught me a great deal about myself and the kind of person I wanted to become. It was this same group of friends who saw me through my parent’s divorce, my first mission trip away from home for 8 weeks, and my first major car accident, just to name a few things.

During that time I learned many, many things about being a Christian, about being an adult, and about being a friend. One thing I will never forget that I learned during that time is that there are two types of friends…friends of the road and friends of the heart. Friends of the road are in your life for a season, usually to see you through something or for you to do the same, but then they go on with their own lives after a while. Friends of the heart are friends forever, the people you never lose contact with, the ones you think about often even if you don’t speak to them often. That tight-knit group of friends held both kinds of friends for me…some I haven’t seen or spoken to in a long time, and others that I keep in touch with regularly, or at least try to.

Today, being a friend is a hard thing for me to do with all of the other jobs in my life…wife, mother, daughter and sister - those roles can easily take up all of my time if I allow them. But the one thing that has always helped me to go on were my friends. Those friends-of-the-heart who always want to know how I am doing, always want to be involved or around…

It seems I am not the best at keeping close friends. I guess my personality is not one that is easily able to allow people to stay close to me for a long time.

I just wanted to write and give a shout-out to all of the people I have ever called friend, be it friends of the road or friends of the heart. Some of you have moved on with your lives and we have grown apart, but I think of you often. Some of you are people I couldn’t imagine enduring life without, and I love you dearly for that. A special few of you are people I would tell anything and everything to without reservation, and I am grateful to you for allowing me to share my heart and my spirit with you. I married a dear friend of mine, and another helped me deliver my first child. All of you are what have kept me going at one time or another, and I hope I have done the same for you occasionally as well. Some of you are still there for the lows and highs, for the victories and tragedies…and for each of you I am truly thankful.

I wish I understood why friends have to grow apart. If it was up to me, I would surround myself with every person I ever called friend and never let them go. I guess it isn’t my forte to be able to keep friends around for long. Maybe one day I will learn how to be a better friend. Until then, thank you to all who have been patient with me as I triedto be a good friend to you. For those who have stuck it through, I am sure it has been trying at times and I am eternally grateful for each of you as well.

This comes on a day where I feel like I am losing a friend or two. This explains the mushiness and the reflectiveness, I think. I never want to lose any of my friends. It sucks that things go this way sometimes, doesn’t it??