Life according to me…

So. Where do I begin?

I am sitting in the bath tonight trying to relax and destress. I am overwhelmed with my day which happens often for me. I ask God for help, for clarity, and not even outloud and maybe not even consciously. As I am pondering and praying and thinking about things, I realize something. Here is my best attempt to capture what I realize.

This is how my life is: try to follow along with my metaphor. I am sitting in a river of stones. The stones are my life and sometimes they cover me up, sometimes they flow with me through the water. There are many stones because there are many aspects to my life. God, in a sense, is the flow of the water in that river. Sometimes I get out of synch, which has been most of the case here lately - and the stones overtake me and I can’t feel the calmness and soothing of the river which is what usually sustains me. Sometimes, when I open my heart and allow Him to work, the flow of the water lines up the stones in such a way that I am comfortable and at peace with my place in the river. Someone wrote a song about this and I am trying to find it as I collect this. In summary, I realized that it is my job as a member of this river and the keeper of these stones that I have been graciously given to make sure that the water is flowing in a sustainable way. As of late, I have not allowed the water to flow freely and properly.

I will back up. Sunday morning I am laying in bed dreaming. In my dream I am in a mall at Starbucks and my pastor is working there. We sit down to catch up and I try to tell him how great things are. He sees straight through me. He sees how disconnected and out of sync I really am. He calls me out. He tells me that there is no evidence of my love for Jesus in my life and how can I even say things are good when I know in my heart I am sinning against God and not living how I know I should. He has no time to speak to me if I am going to insist things are okay and he says I should make it right and stop faking it, and leaves me there, at the table, alone in the great big busy mall. I am ashamed. I am sad. I am overwhelemed. I am startled awake and the first thing I realize is this, I need the ‘Jesus’ back in my life. I need that connection. I need the river to flow smoothly and I need to get in touch with the One who sets everything in my life into motion. I need to fix this and get rid of this shame and guilt. I need to go to church and get right with God. So I get up and get ready to go.

I could go into all of the things that lined up that morning as I set forth on my path to get to church, but I know and God knows that it was seriously evident that I needed to get there and to be there and to commit to going back and that no matter what forces worked against me, I was going to get there and get everything I could out of it. Church, like the water, sustains me. It is the place I can go and know that my children are cared for, my heart is being cared for, and my life is being cared for all in the same place and at the same time. It brings me the peace which keeps me living.

So I went. After the music there was a video flashing all the things in life that keep us busy. Kids. Jobs. Dieting. Debt. Traffic. They flashed and I flinched as I watched my chaotic mind up there on the screen for everyone to see. Then flashes a message - What if the power of the Gospel was unleashed in our lives? And that is where I am now. IMAGINE HOW THAT RIVER WOULD FLOW AND THOSE STONES WOULD BE POLISHED AND SET TO LAY IF I LET THE FLOW OF THE RIVER TAKEOVER AND I STOPPED DAMMING IT UP!?!?!?!?! It all makes sense now! Thank you LORD for showing me what You are trying to accomplish in my life! Let’s get back to basics, Melanie! And in a moment, in the sermon, music, communion, anything - things change for me. For the better.

Everyone could use Jesus. Some of you who read this know Him and He is in your heart. Some of you who read this don’t believe in Him. I respect all of that. But what I have realized is no matter what encircles me - what stones lay with me in that river, I have to be mindful of the flow of things and allow it to work in my life. He may have used you this week to get me to where I am now. Thanks. You may be wondering what in the world I am talking about. Contact me and I would LOVE to explain. The feeling of peace that comes from knowing and trusting God is something I wish EVERYONE could share in. God is everywhere and loves every one of us, including me - and even though I have been a terrible example of what a follower is lately. I didn’t write this to convert you. I wrote this to brag about my God and how awesome He is. It is truly amazing to see the power of God in our lives.

It is my prayer that now that He has shown me these things that I can be an example to those who need God to flow in their lives as well. That prayer is right after the daily one that asks that I be given the strength, knowledge and power to continue on this path.

I am so excited. Abundant life is back again. Jesus came so we could have it, and I am feeling it again. It’s an amazing, undescribable feeling. And now I have this chronicle to go back and read should I start to forget and feel the stones covering me up and misdirecting my ‘flow’. What an awesome feeling.

Tonight Steve and I were lucky enough to get to go see the DCI Quarterfinals. It was live via satellite feed at the Regal Cinemas in Waterford. It was awesome - seeing all of those drum corps marching and stuff. Amazing. It brought both of us back to when we were in high school and when I was in college. We marched all 4 years in school and I marched with UCF for a season in college.

While we were watching and getting goosebumps after seeing that first corps perform…I realized something important. It was a life lesson, sort of. See, of course we miss that time when we got to wear uniforms and perform and watch the crowd go wild and things like that. Those were intense times in our lives and we made memories we will never forget. But, now we have the pleasure of getting goosebumps when our children learn how to blow kisses to us or draw a picture of us or learn to say “Daddy” or “Mommy”. We can’t go back to those times of marching band, but we have the times right now to capture those same feelings of excitement and proudness. Sure, somedays it’s hard to be a mom. Funny thing is, I will never ‘age out’ of being a mom. People in drum corps cannot continue in it after they are 21. Mommies are forever. I will always have my children to give me goosebumps from now until they are having their own children and even after that. I’d say that the evolution of life has some very fair tradeoffs in it. I had those special times in school and now I have these even MORE special times to fill up my life, and I am thankful for them.

So yeah, Sarah started saying Daddy this week. It is adorable. Stephen has been saying Mommy, but now he says it with a purpose, like he is calling for me. I answer him and he will babble to me the most important story I have ever not been able to understand. He has such a look of intent on his face, it is priceless. And Sarah just loves to holler for Daddy. We love to hear her talk as she has not been the vocal one here lately.

My Elisa is having issues with school - she is nervous and we aren’t sure what’s going on. We plan to get to the bottom of it VERY VERY soon. More later.

Ah, Maria. Such a good baby. She is the light of my life. She never cries unless she is wet or tired or hungry. She is always smiling and even laughing out loud sometimes. She is learning to be on her tummy and to roll and will be trying solid foods this weekend. She is such a joy and even though life is crazy with 4 kids, it is not impossible because #4 is the easiest child I have ever taken care of. She is starting to have a wee bit of mommy attachment now and cries when I leave the room…but I just reassure her and she smiles as soon as she sees me again. I sure wish she had kept her olive complexion from when she was a newborn, but she is daddy’s girl and is just as light skinned as he is. This makes daddy very proud. Her eyes are turning green too - just as beautiful as the rest of the children!

Ok, I am waiting up for a competition to occur on the live feeds of one of my reality shows…but I think I am giving up. This reality TV junkie is taking her actual reality check and positive moments and going to sleep. *mwah*!

Tonight is the season premiere of Flavor of Love 2!!!!!!

Other than that, I heard they are going to have a reality show to cast the next Pussycat Doll. My dear friend Katie told me this tidbit and I am in the process of researching that one. As she said, I love those little sluts. They really are so obnoxiously slutty it makes me laugh. They are empowered women who know what to do with their ‘Beep’. Ehehehehehe.

I will see what I find out and let ya know!

I guess this blog is turning into my escape from reality. Would that be considered irony? I will let you know when I go back to school and re-learn what irony really is. Anyhoo, in my ‘real world’ I only watch these shows in the nighttime when everyone is asleep and I am permitted to do what I want. Other time in my life is now spent catering to the needs of my children. They are very good children, just very high maintenance right now which leaves little room for myself. Ah, it will pass, they will grow and I will miss these days. Everyone tells me so.

Elisa starts school tomorrow. WHOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hahahaha HA HA HA!

Ok, first of all. I have come to terms with the fact that I am a reality TV junkie. I have watched just about every show out there besides ‘Meow Mix House’. I don’t watch that becase I hate cats. Hehehe. This ridiculous addiction is not something I brag about normally, but nowadays when it’s summer and the only shows ON are the reality ones, I have to just admit my addiction and accept it and then I can go on and on about things. The latest show I have found is one that is recording tonight on SciFi called “Who wants to be a Superhero?. This one is great. One of their ‘challenges’ was to change into their gear in less than a minute…and then run to a location. The hidden secret was that they put a lost child in their path to see who would stop to help the lost little girl. Only one of them stopped from the preview I saw. The winner gets a comic book about them and a SciFi tv special. Whoohoo!!! On top of Hell’s Kitchen, Big Brother, So you think you can dance, The Real World - (have watched every season ever, sadly), lots of the MTV Challenge Shows (Real World vs. Road Rules peoples), Survivor, Amazing Race (which I gave up on when they did the family thing cus it was boring), American Idol, Making the Band, Airline, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Flavor of Love and the Surreal Life…I am adding this one. As I type this, ‘The Contender’ is recording. I am only a wee bit into that one as it is more for maintaning my relationship that I watch that. I really should find another hobby. Ridiculous that after all this time, THIS is my first blog entry in a while, eh? You love me, you know it.

Ok, what else. Oh! I got a job as a substitute teacher this month. I won’t be starting until September. I am very excited but a bit nervous. I am going to shoot for high school age because of the hours but I wouldn’t mind any grade, really. We need the money and I need a life. ‘Nuff said. We have awesome friends and daycare providers who will be cutting us a nice break so I can afford to go to work and also pay for the children to be taken care of. I am looking forward to this very much.

Next…so I had to take a blood test for WIC and went ahead and got a whole workup. Iron is low and sugar is high. This has put me on a no refined carb, low sugar, low fat diet which was very sucessful at first but is now getting tough. As Matt put in his blog, eating healthy is too expensive. I fully agree. I still want to eat the things I am supposed to on my new eating plan, but it’s just so dern expensive. And trying to plan meals out for everyone with my health needs included is just a super pain in the youknowwhat. It’s just a complete ripoff that I have to pay more for stuff that grows naturally or is made from whole ingriedents, but I have to make it happen because I want to lose weight and be healthy, smaller and full of energy as I chase my circus. I hope to get back on my healthy eating bandwagon once we get back on our budget.

Yesterday Steve and I took all the children to the Altamonte Mall to meet my friend Becky and let all the kids play in the playground which is indoors and mostly closed in. Becky’s children are both sweet and beautiful and she looks wonderful and as happy as ever. The kids had an awesome time playing and sliding down a little slide which Sarah and Stephen had not done before. It was so nice watching them play and interact with the other kids and with daddy. They were very well behaved. We then took them up to the food court for dinner and they continued on their very good behavior. I was so proud of our family. We had the best time at the mall and I decided to stop being afraid to take them out and do things and to just go out and do it. In order for me to start doing that alone I will have to get a bigger stroller or something, not sure how it would work, but I had a blast being with Steve and seeing Becky again. Old friends truly are the best ones, and it was like we had just seen each other yesterday and nothing had changed except for all the kids she had to meet of mine that she hadn’t seen before!!! I also found myself watching Steve be a daddy lots of the time and it was the most wonderful thing to watch. I am telling you I never thought a man could be so sexy as when they are chasing your two year old as they escape the playground and head down the mall…or when your child gets hit by a little bad boy and daddy is ready to go off on said little boy. Steve is an amazing father and all you ladies are sooooo jealous. I love my family!

Well, my time has ended because my 5 loads of laundry are calling me from my bedroom. TTFN - Look for website changes soon. We will have the family blog on the main page so you can read about the family events more often and easier and I swear I am going to update more. I am also going to give lots of family members the access to add their pictures and videos of the kids since I am so bad at taking and uploading them. Hopefully we will have some footage of the June Birthday Ball and other various fun times from here in Coyleland. Until then, take care!