Life according to me…

This is insane!!! I was checking my e-mail and this came up at the top where gmail gives you those little websites that are ’supposed to be’ geared toward whatever your e-mail is about. Well, let me tell you - I was reading an e-mail about a MOMMY MESSAGE BOARD. So they pick this????? CRAZY!!!!

Date a Lonely Wife

let’s face it, i have been through a trying time. like it or not.

travel is terrible on me, i hate to fly. i hate changing planes. i hate worrying about my luggage. i hate going through security. i hate sitting in airplanes, i hate takeoff, i hate landing. i hate the feeling of being in the air and the way the plane turns to the left/right/up and down. worst of all, i hate being stuck in the airport for hours not knowing when or if i am going to get to actually leave, not being able to sit with my friends or family and wait, being forced to wait all alone and let my anxiety take over and get the best of me. i hate when the planes have ‘mechanical problems’. i hate the entire experience.

as a Christian, i view death differently than most others. sure, it is terribly sad and heartbreaking especially to see people you love hurt so very badly. those kinds of things are the moments in life you wish you never have to go through. but, as a friend, i stood by my friends and their family and worked through their difficult time with them. i, however, took an immense amount of peace from what i went through. he is in a better place now, he is free from suffering and pain, and he is truly at rest. the hole he left in the heart of my best friend will never go away, but i know she is strong and she will learn to live with the physical absence of her daddy. i also know he is always with her and always will be, even if not physically. i wish i could have done more to help her through this time, but i did everything i possibly could in the time i had with her.

now, unbenownst to me, i worked very hard to remain strong for the duration of my trip and never really took the time to feel the feelings i was having about what we all were experiencing. i knew i’d go up there to be strong for her but i never thought i’d put my feelings aside to a point where it all just bubbled over once i had a moment to think about it. leaving and coming back home - being trapped in the airport for 5 hours - gave me time to do nothing else but reflect, and it all just snowballed. all the feelings of being away from home, of what we went through, everything just compounded and i fell apart.

returning home was bittersweet. all the emotions just followed me here and it was more than i could take. some people don’t understand why a death in a best friend’s family has effected me as it has. well, i never asked anyone to understand. i don’t want sympathy, exception, or any special treatment. all i have ever wanted was respect.

anyone who knows me knows that i hate to fly. naturally having to do so under such last minute and extreme circumstances has an effect on me. add that on top of everything i felt coming back home, and yes, i have had a hard time since returning.

i don’t find it acceptable that people have chosen to continue on their rude, disrespectful paths when dealing with me. i know i am abrasive and hard to deal with sometimes, but for gosh sakes, i have been AWAY helping my best friend BURY HER FATHER. if you had any sort of heart or anything - wouldn’t you have some respect for that and not dig right into me the second i return home? i know i would for you.

i hate florida. the people here are rude. it’s too hot. if it wasn’t for my family, honestly, i would not have come back here. i didn’t want to come home. sure, and of course, i missed my kids and husband and family. but i did not miss the loads of other people i am forced to deal with in my life who treat me like complete garbage and refuse to give me the respect i try to give them all on a daily basis.

so you know what? it took me a few days, but i am back now. i am refocused and motivated to do whatever it takes to take care of my family and get the hell out of Florida. we will work harder, save more money, cut expenses, whatever it takes to start saving up and moving on. i don’t need to live someplace where i am surrounded by people who truly do not care about me. the ones who do care that are here in florida can hop a $39 flight and come visit whenever they want, because since the market is SO MUCH BETTER in TN, i will have plenty of room for visitors, unlike now.

so with this post i am letting go of the bitterness i have felt towards all of you upon my return. you want to refuse to come visit and then flood my house with visits while i am gone? go for it, i don’t care - at least i know should i ever have to go out of town you will be there for my kids and husband. you want to give me a hard time because i can’t give you answers you want right when you want them? go for it - do what you want, i have to decide what’s best for my family and i am sorry if that doesn’t fit into your timeframe. you want to give me attitude because i am not the strong, stable melanie you are used to and you just don’t understand why or what s happening? go for it. i obviously have figured out what happened on my own and don’t need any of your support or understanding to make it through this. i am moving along just fine on my own. with this i am done dealing with you. it’s a new day.

on the other hand, it must be noted that i absolutely love my mother and father. both of them have been there for me both while i was gone and since i returned and have done the best they know how to try to be there for me and help me deal with the emotions and feelings i have faced since this all happened. thank you to dad for the ride home, support and visits and thank you to mom for the visits, advice, and support. both of you talked me down during one of the darkest times i have had in a long time and i don’t think i would have gotten back on that plane if it wasn’t for each of you. i know nobody is perfect and we have had some ups and downs in our lives, but you are the best parents anyone could wish for and i plan to make sure every day for the rest of our lives that you know just how much i love both of you. thank you again.

and for c: you will always be in my heart and i will forever miss you - but i will see you again in the faces of your grandchildren and the life that your daughter is going to continue on living, and i thank God you are finally without pain and at peace now. enjoy paradise.

Here I am Lord,
And I’m drowning
In your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where you found me
And it echoes in my mind,
Keeps me awake tonight

I know you cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before you now as,
As though I’ve never sinned
But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the east is from the west
Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest,
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West:
From one scarred hand to the other.

I start the day the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again your truth is drowned out
By the storm I’m in
Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away,
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me,
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
’cause you know
Just how far the East is form the West:
From one scarred hand to the other.

I know you’ve washed me white,
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through,
To get me through this night
Can’t live by what I feel
But by the Truth your work reveals,
I’m not holding on to you
But you’re holding on to me,
You’re holding on to me

Jesus you know
Just how far the East is from the West
I don’t have to see the man I’ve been,
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
’cause you know just how far the East is form the West;
From one scarred hand to the other.

Just how far
The east is from the west:

From one scarred hand to the other

First of all. Watch this loser. Then write her a letter and tell her to GIVE IT UP. She is so awful!!!!!!!!!! She doesn’t even shake her butt like she used to! She looked like we were keeping her awake, or away from the bar, by forcing her to perform! Granted, she looks, eh, okay, after having a few kids and hitttin the scene again…but COME ON! Lip Sync queen, at least show some attempt to look like you are actually singing instead of BARELY mouthing the words!!!!! And when did you FORGET HOW TO DANCE???? OR GET DRESSED????? Someone let that chick know she has had her hurrah and needs to move on…Ok, watch…

Now. Let me see. I did watch the rest of the VMA’s, and I gotta ask…what happened to the old MTV? This thing was all done up with people performing in suites and dancing on tables instead of on stage, it was insane! Am I getting that old? I couldn’t focus! I recall the days when MTV put on good quality awards shows that people enjoyed watching. But to give Justin an award for being a ‘quadruple’ threat because he sings, acts (LOL) and has a clothing line and something else we don’t even know, produces I think, instead of giving it to BEYONCE who was in an OSCAR NOMINATED FILM, sings and DANCES HER ASS OFF, and has a clothing line she helps DESIGN??? And a fragrance??? Who decides this stuff anyways???

Then, on to my favorite…showing the stars FACES as OTHER PEOPLE are performing! Go back and watch that video again and look at 50cent and Diddy as she is performing. They have the same wide-mouthed WTF face that you did when you watched it. How awful! Even her colleagues are speechless!!

Now, there was one part I did enjoy. In all of those ’suites’ with the other performances, didn’t it look like the stars were having the BEST time? Justin, Fall out Boy, Kanye…they all seemed to be enjoying performing so much. At least we could take away that those people enjoy what they do. Well, most of them - except Britney.

And while you are sending letters setting people straight, please write to Chris Brown and let him know that he is NOT Michael Jackson - tho his tribute was cute, and the kid can move. Wowsers. I was impressed, too bad he couldn’t MOVE and SING at the same time. That is, obviously, soooooooooo 1985.

K, all done. Word to ya mutha.